“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Happy birthday to all the women
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.