Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !