The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing