Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
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Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics