DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
What?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words