Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Baller is short for ballerina
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!