ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes