Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.