Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need