I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Not recommended for beginners.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Brother?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life