When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You Might Also Like
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”