Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived