Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.