hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
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It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
waiting for halloween be like:
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Tremendous stuff
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?