I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
You Might Also Like
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Any refunds available?…
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man