All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.