I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
You Might Also Like
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …