COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Netflix and you sit over there.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.