HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*