america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
birds and squirrels envy us
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I hope they boil the right one.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.