[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
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Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”