Mmmm canned fish.
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No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters