Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You Might Also Like
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.