Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine