due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
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you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything