When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
They got a point!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot