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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
You sure about that?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.