I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
💁🏻♂️
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.