Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race