I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
You Might Also Like
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
lol
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[montage of me giving-up]
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.