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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I hope they boil the right one.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do