Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents