If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
live, laugh, laundry.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…