If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Holy moly
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?