Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Erm…
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
lmao
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]