You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Jail
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
mmm onion ringos
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
The Punning Dead.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*