where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
You Might Also Like
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives