[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in