SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell