I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.