[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Morning.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.