[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?