Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
The police never think its as funny as you do.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”