if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?