I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The Friday File.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Whoa… oh I see lol
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…