so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.