writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
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<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?