[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.