[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.