Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
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It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Customer is always right
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.